Matt Sturniolo was your average online influencer. Beautiful face, sharp jawline, perfect body, great personality, hot voice, fun content.. That is, hewas. The fans barely know a thing.
Matt had stopped wearing tank-tops in videos, but he'd stopped wearing them all together, unless he had a jacket over it. Chris and Nick don't question this, because why should they? What reason do they have to ask Matt why he's always covered up—except for the thought that he might just be cold—that was unreasonable, it was nearly summer. They avoided ever uttering a specific second option.
Matt has had anxiety for as long as Chris and Nick can remember. They don't want to assume.
"Morning." Matt mumbles as he enters the kitchen. Nick's on his laptop, presumably editing, as always, and Chris is cooking an egg-and-cheese tortilla behind Nick.
"G'mornin', sleepyhead." Nick smiles, sipping his Red Bull. Matt rubs his eyes in reply, his jacket sleeve lowering slightly at his movements. Nick burns holes into Matt's wrist, staring it down intently, squinting through his glasses to check if his gut is right, and it is. There are cuts on Matt's wrist, seemingly fresh as well. Nick says nothing.
"What's the topic for Friday's video?" The brunet behind Nick says, plating his food and setting it down on the table, to the right of Nick's area on the table. He shrugs, and scrolls through their shared Instagram notifications.
"I'll skim it." Nick's phone screen is flooded with comments, mostly ones about people confessing their love for them. He rolls his eyes and shuts his phone for a while. He has better things to do, like.. going to the store, editing.. worrying about Matt. Not caring about people in love with them.
Matt was going to kill himself today. He was gonna record a car video with his amazing brothers—albeit, ones he didn't deserve, really— then drop them off back home and make an excuse that he forgot to get something from the store. He didn't want to crash the beautiful car that held so many memories, no, Matt would never ruin that.
How he'd die was unbeknownst to Matt. He'd think,hopefully painless. But in the end, he's dying anyway. Maybe rob the pharmacy of their pills, run away and overdose on them. Or buy himself a rope from the Home Depot. He could also just jump into the freeway. It doesn't matter now. He'll think about it later, when the time comes.
Matt decides to freshen up before they go out and run some errands. He brings his dullest blade into the shower with him and slices his wrist. It takes more effort to cut as deep as he usually does. He yearns for the pain. He looks down, staring at his body from what he can see on his torso down to his feet. Matt brings the blade to his thigh, the flesh slicing open and revealing white, then to flood with crimson before being washed away by the warm water above him. He smiles, internally, a silent chuckle in his head. How could he be so pathetic?
It doesn't take long for Matt to finish getting dressed once he's out of the shower. His hair is still somewhat damp, dripping tiny beads of water and temporarily staining little darkened spots on his baby blue Fresh Love hoodie. He loved this hoodie. It always reminds him of Chris. Not to mention how comfortable it is inside, the fabric gently grazing against Matt's fresh scars and not hurting so much as regular clothing. He was thankful for that.
Nick had been keeping a keen eye on Matt since this morning, watching how Matt toyed with his fingers, or how he teeter-tottered from one foot to the other when standing, or how often Matt took a sip from his Dr Pepper. It might've made Nick seem a little crazy, but he knew Matt wasn't up to something good. Chris had finally come downstairs, his heavy footing stomping on each step rapidly.
"Do you evernot walk like a giant?" Nick smirks, amused by the way Chris seemingly stops stomping.
"I'm just a big boy," Chris snaps jokingly. Nick rolls his eyes. Matt is unfazed, completely out of it. All he could think about was how he was going to kill himself. It was pathetic. And what would people say when they find out Mary Lou's son commit suicide? 'How embarrassing,' they'd say, and Matt can't think of a single instance where anyone would actually say that, but his f*cked up mind would like to ponder otherwise.
"Matt?" Nick says.
"Matt?" Nick says again.
"Matthew!" Nick says, louder. It takes Matt a little to finally register Nick, but he blinks and turns his head towards his older brother.
"Hm?" Matt hums, ending the tapping he'd done on his empty soda can.
"Are you alright?" The question rings in Matt's ears for a few seconds. He doesn't know if he should say yes, or just break down in tears, hugging Nick and crying in his arms. The latter seems nice, Nick's hugs were always so comforting. Matt loved Nick so much. But it would be so tiring to explain it all, and even if he did, he didn't want to be a burden to Nick at all. Matt clicks his nails against the thin metal of his Dr Pepper can.
"Yeah. I'm okay," he says, a little too sorrow. Nick picks up on Matt's nearly inaudible sadness, but he doesn't push it.
Matt grabs the camera off the front of the car's interior, points it at Chris, then to Nick when he starts talking. Matt interrupts Nick by putting the camera to his mouth and screaming in it, then moving the camera around to shut off the recording. Matt sighs and hands the camera to Nick in the back before rubbing his eyes with his palms and bringing his knees to his chest.
"Do you guys hate me?" Matt whispers, hoping no one actually heard that, but the insanely quiet car wasn't willing to help Matt tonight.
"No!" Chris and Nick say—almost immediately—at the same time.
"Why would you ever think that?" Nick mumbles, his before cheesy grin now faltering into a sad frown. He puts a hand on Matt's right shoulder.
"Because I'm always quiet and not contributing to the video." Matt says, but that's not what he really thinks. He had other reasons to think they hated him, but he wouldn't say those.
"Matt, I love you. Chris loves you. Mom and Dad love you, so much. We won't ever hate you." Nick reassures him. He opens the back car door and gets out, only to open the drivers' car door to hug Matt.
"You're so important to us. I don't ever want to lose you." Chris mumbles as he joins the hug, voice barely crackling as he holds back tears. Matt, however, couldn't. Water dripped from his eyes, to his cheeks and down to his chin, dampening Nick's soft, wool sweater.
"I'm sorry that I ever— mm, thought of leaving." Matt sobs, hoping that Nick and Chris only thought Matt meant moving out, but all three of them really knew what he was implying.
"Please don't." Chris and Nick say in unison again, engulfing Matt in the warmest and tightest hug he must've ever received, before joining him in crying.
Matt Sturniolo was your average online influencer. Beautiful face, sharp jawline, perfect body, great personality, hot voice, fun content.. That is, hewas. Matt isn't perfect, and he knows that. But he's accepted that having his own problems is okay. He realizes now, that going through something is completely okay, as long as he has someone to run to. And he accepts that his brothers will always be there for him. Matt Sturniolo is not your average online influencer. He is human and he has feelings. And he's thankful for that.
But most importantly, he's thankful for Nick and Chris.
